Hearing and Being Heard

I’ve encounted a series of posts by a blogging writer who has been saying what I wanted to say, only he’s been saying it way, way better. And as you’ll see, one of the reasons he says it better is that he has what some call “authority.” Dale McGowan makes a deliberate effort to hear what others are saying, and he makes deliberate efforts to be heard. It appears to me that he is regularly successful with both intentions.

At the risk of oversimplifying, I’ll say that the purpose of his series, “Can You Hear Me Now?” is to offer up his advice for “how to stop talking past and through and around each other, how to hear and be heard.”

I am not an "educated" man if you evaluate such things by the number of institutional certificates a person receives. However, my “college years” included a stint of seeking a degree in “Communications,” and I don’t mind sharing that Dale McGowan’s blog series is far more helpful than anything I encountered in that effort.

I wish I had directed you to his blog earlier so that you could have followed along as the posts appeared instead of having to play catch up. I hope you won’t be overwhelmed. I really want you to take all of it in and ponder it. And a secondary hope is that you’ll take a few moments to share your impressions with me.

Here are a few disjointed teaser quotes from different posts in the series:

“I started drafting — phrasing, rephrasing, venting, deleting, adding modifiers. As I did so, both my accuracy AND my “hearability” increased.”

“If I don’t take a minute to think about how something will register from the other person’s perspective, I don’t deserve to be heard.”

“I needed to speak to my concerns without doing a leg-sweep that left the other person nowhere to stand.”

“It causes me to take just that little extra bit of care to be accurate, to be fair, but also honest — to be myself, but also to improve myself.”

“I’m a Facebook Slut. I climb into friendhood with anyone who asks. My 600+ Friends fall mostly into five groups: Family, K-12 friends, College friends, Post-college friends, and Readers of my books.”

“There’s a natural and adaptive human tendency to cling to the familiar, to distrust difference... Most of us read magazines and watch news channels and listen to talk radio that reinforces our worldview rather than challenging it.”

“…we’re dividing ourselves up into smug, self-satisfied silos, each with everything it needs, including pundits devoted to telling us how very smart we are to be in the silo we’ve chosen….I simply can’t stand the smugness of the silos—especially when I feel it starting to percolate in myself… Our siloing has a double effect: One silo loses the ability to speak AND the other loses the ability to hear.”

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO GO READ THE WHOLE SERIES OF POSTS…START AT THE BOTTOM “INTRO” AND READ TOWARD THE TOP, CURRENTLY UP TO “6” IN THE SERIES…

Legally Changing Name

I am considering changing my name to Anonymous Sources Close to the Situation. I think it would be cool to be quoted and credited in all sorts of press conferences, newspapers, magazines, online articles, etc. I wonder if I could make stories more interesting just by throwing out information randomly that reporters could legitimately share "according to Anonymous Sources".

"Anonymous Sources Close to the Situation indicate that income taxes and sales taxes will be done away with in 2010."

You get the picture. Could be fun.

Living In the Present

Have you ever received this little bit of wisdom from a friend or family member? “You’re gonna miss this.” You are complaining or gently expressing some form of discontentment about some kind of circumstance, when someone who has been in your shoes says, “You’re gonna miss this.”

College exams are looming…or…baby is crying at 3am…or…finances are tight this month. Whatever the excuse is for looking ahead and wishing for better days, you can be assured that someone somewhere wants to tell you, “You’re gonna miss this.”

And how do we respond? With stubborn short-sightedness. “No I’m not gonna miss this.” Somehow, we just can’t learn this lesson. No matter how many times someone older or wiser or both reminds us, we just keep right on looking for things to get “better,” not appreciating what’s right in front of us.

And then what? We do end up missing those days. “I wish I had taken the time to stop and appreciate how good things were.”

And then, we’re the ones passing the wisdom along to other deaf ears.

Here's a good song from Trace Adkins (CLICK HERE):

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this

Planning For Your Future

I have posted a new sidebar link, "Planning For Your Future". This is the blog of a fine attorney who also happens to be my friend and fraternity brother, Kris Boyd. For more on Kris Boyd, here is his law firm's primary website: CLICK HERE.

Capitalism...where do you stand?

Three definitions: dictionary version, my general understanding, and an opponent’s summary.

1. “An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market.” The word “free” is key there as the dictionary also gives “communism” as an antonym.

2. Businesses look to capture as much income as the market will bear. If prices are too high, businesses risk losing customers. If prices are too low, businesses risk not being able to cover their expenses. But instead of coming up with a “comfortable” margin to cover the bills and stay afloat, capitalism encourages businesses to go for as much margin as they can get away with. And businesses don’t have to feel any guilt because it’s not their fault if the market is willing to bear high margins. “How can it be my fault if the market is willing to pay $10.00 for an apple and I charge $9.99 and make a large profit?”

3. Michael Moore on Jay Leno’s new show recently: “Capitalism is legalized greed.” He went on to make the point that the wealthiest 1% of Americans possess more wealth than the bottom 95% combined. His analogy was 10 people sitting around a table with one pie. The result of capitalism is that one man can take 9 pieces and leave 1 piece for the other 9 people to share…and this is somehow okay…as long as the “market was willing to bear” whatever various means the man took to get himself into that position.

For me, it’s an interesting topic, because I love “freedom” as I understand it and I like the idea of people being allowed to make “plenty” of money to be comfortable however they define comfort. But it is troubling to me that there are so many people who are “less fortunate” in the world and have no reasonable hope of ever having anything resembling wealth, while other people in the world have so much wealth they can hardly imagine how it could ever run out and they keep piling more wealth on top of that.

I am neither of these people of course. I am far too comfortable to complain of not having “enough” and yet my bank would testify that I am not so comfortable that I should be giving money away.

So my ponderings on this point are only theoretical for now. It’s just interesting. Some people are very very passionate on both sides of the spectrum.

Healthcare Reform

In general, I will not make a habit of arguing for or against a President because of his or her political party affiliation. I am neither a committed Democrat or Republican. I will support ideas that seem good to me and oppose ideas that seem bad to me.

And I do tend to like an underdog. So if someone’s voice seems to be falling on deaf ears and their ideas are being misrepresented, I’ll be inclined to side with the person who is in need of some respect.

The current hot topic is healthcare reform. There are a babillion things that need reform, but the headline getter at the moment is healthcare. Apparently, tens of millions of people do not have insurance and among the folks who do have insurance, there is a great deal of unrest about the cost of it and the lack of good service. People who need medical attention are either going without the needed attention or creating a burden on the system by receiving care and not paying for it. I am only scratching the surface of a summary here, but I am sufficiently convinced that there is a real problem in need of a real solution.

It seems that most if not all congressional delegates, regardless of party affiliation, agree that there is a real problem in need of a real solution. However, the tension lies in the fact that decision makers on different sides of the aisle can’t agree on how to get there from here.

If you have an interest or opinion on this matter at all, I encourage you to review President Obama’s speech from Wednesday night (and actually pay attention). His ideas seem good to me, while the primary and loudest criticisms seem unfounded. The bottom line is that a lot of people really do need help and the government can help. While I generally favor the notion that government should not unnecessarily grow larger, and people should help one another voluntarily, it is an unavoidable fact that people don’t voluntarily help one another enough.

I made this comment yesterday on Facebook and it fits here: There is a real problem that needs a real solution. Being opposed to solutions is not a solution. Saying citizens should be left to themselves to figure out a solution is not a solution, since "we" are absolute deadbeats when it comes to helping one another in times of need. It's easy to say, "I'd rather help someone out of my pocket directly than through taxes," but then actually helping someone doesn't happen...at least not 46 million times. I think Obama's point to the congressmen who represent your point of view was, "Okay, you agree something needs to happen and you have an issue with the way I propose to get there, so come forward with an actual, thoughtful point on how to move forward. Let's be done with the boo and hiss." I certainly don't have a plan. But I agree with the President that leaving it at "I disagree" is not constructive.

Actions Speak Louder

I am not opposed to activism. Essentially, it is simply the refusal of people with ideas to allow those ideas to go unheard. Of course it is good to actively pursue the improvement of the world we live in. And there are so many aspects of this life that have room for improvement that activism does not need to be limited to national political headlines or local recycling programs. What is important to you? What issues do you think deserve immediate attention? Does it matter whether the end goal is possible to achieve in your lifetime or are you content to contribute toward a goal that only your great-grandchildren and future generations will see?

My hobby horse of late on this blog and on my Facebook page has been the matter of being respectful and thoughtful as we pursue whatever it is that we pursue. It is a distraction from the point of activism when people do not respect one another and do not invest the mental energy to understand opposing viewpoints. So be active and be nice.

Avoiding the temptation to act like a jerk, Part 2

Hello jhg63, thank you for your response.

The intent of my last post is not so much related to Christianity as it is about how people deal with other people. The sociological angle is what I’m getting at.

Christianity obviously provides a good and easy example, but there are also many other ways to illustrate the situation where one person believes he has a handle on a truth and then finds himself in an encounter with someone who holds a contradictory view. And the story doesn’t even have to be about truth vs. opposition. For instance, if you see a friend at a convenience store counter buying lunch for his children and it consists solely of three Twinkies for each of them, this may seem like a really bad idea to you, but there is a way of interacting with your friend that doesn’t necessitate being a jerk. The good health and long life of your friend and his children are “worth fighting for”, but “fighting” doesn’t have to actually involve fighting.

The truth can hurt like a “sword” in all sorts of scenarios. A chain smoking friend can be “cut” by the presentation of information about the negative effects of his habit, but saying “the truth hurts” does not provide license to be a bull in a china shop if the friend really only needs some encouragement and accountability.

Some people see societal progress where others see societal breakdown. Some people see heresy where others see orthodoxy. Some people see very plain clarity in the Bible where others can’t make any sense of it. Some people crave Twinkies and cigarettes while others love exercise and broccoli.

Interactions require patience and sensitivity when disagreement is involved. Certainly, things are not always sweet and easy, but it is possible to discuss family planning and sexuality and “soul matters” and all sorts of things without verbally punching people in the nose.

Avoiding the temptation to act like a jerk

You want to be respected, so show respect. You want others to be gracious toward you, so be gracious.

You have views and opinions and beliefs that you would like others to embrace, so adopt an open and attentive posture when you encounter others who have a different perspective.

If you would like people to believe that your religious faith is genuine and that it is an important part of who you are, then be quick to acknowledge your own errors and slow to attack others who make mistakes.

The object of your faith is gracious, right? Should you not as the beneficiary, the follower, be gracious in turn?

Insensitivity, hasty generalizations, and undue focus on the mistakes of others…these do not accurately represent any religious faith I’ve been acquainted with.

It seems illogical that people who are pleasant and kind should be regarded as weak, while the habits of a bully are regarded as signs of strength.

I know I’m not perfect, but I don’t use the fact that I’m imperfect as an excuse to lack grace and tolerance. I am sometimes a jerk (maybe more frequently than I would like to acknowledge), but I am trying to be a better man and I hope you don’t find me making excuses if you confront me about slipping up in that endeavor.

Disclaimer

This blog began nearly six years ago. During that time, I have written quite a variety of things here as you may have already seen in the archives. There have been a number of relatively significant shifts of thought on several topics, and you may discover contradictory sentiments expressed as you browse. Be assured that you are only scratching the surface of the conflicting notions that have found themselves bouncing around in my head over the years. I am sometimes extremely simple and other times extremely complex. I take full responsibility for all that jazz. If you dare to send me a note inquiring about some perplexing jewel in my archives, you will obviously not find me denying that I wrote it. But I might take the time to explain what I meant then and why I wouldn't say the same thing now...or why I would...who knows. Enjoy!